


Killing Me to Love You

by anyapie



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Angst, Drunken Confessions, M/M, Shyness, dealing with the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 23:46:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12922788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyapie/pseuds/anyapie
Summary: An encounter with the past happened on a chilly night when Gladiolus decided to come home late, intoxicated by alcohol.





	Killing Me to Love You

**Author's Note:**

> It’s growing faster than you’ve grown  
> Now you’re stronger than yourself  
> I’m fighting for you  
> I’m hiding for you  
> But it’s killing me to love you  
> -Killing Me to Love You, Vancouver Sleep Clinic

 

It was around midnight when Gladiolus found himself walking the streets of Insomnia, on his way home with the chilly winter air slapping his face. He was drunk, yes, but he felt like it wasn't enough to keep him stoned and in bed until lunch time. 

He was in such a celebratory mode when he got the place that he wanted for himself for so long. Gladiolus refused to ask for his father's help, or anyone's help to get his own space. At a young age, he wanted to own a home that he can call his own, a home that can prove that the elder Amicitia is a man that doesn't need to stay inside the Amicitia Manor all his life as long as he serves the king. The place wasn't as prestigious as to where the Amicitia Manor was nestled in, but it had a wonderful neighbor that Gladiolus can call as safe. He invited his friends from the Glaives to drink as a celebration, and they did, but they had to return home because they were all set on duty the following morning. So Gladiolus walked himself home, a bit tipsy from all the hard liquor he drank, but alert enough to protect himself in case something gets ugly.

That was then when he bumped into Ignis, with a white linen dress shirt and tie under a vest, all wrapped under a black leather jacket. The black slacks complimented his maroon shoes, accenting the aura of intimidation further. He was carrying a fashionable sling bag with him, big enough to carry and protect important files from crumpling. Judging from the way he came from, it looked like he stopped by to a coffee shop a few blocks away from his home. Ignis still looked remarkably handsome even with tired face and eyes, and it still brought feelings that Gladio thought he had already buried deep inside.

"Hey," he greeted first, testing the waters to see if it's the right move to do around the strategist. He suddenly became conscious of his state and breath; it was obvious that he went out drinking. 

"Hey," the other returned. He must have been surprised to see Gladiolus in this side of the city, knowing that the Amicitia Manor is a bit far from where they were standing.

Gladiolus didn't know what to do next. And he was sure that half of him was consumed by the alcohol when he asked, "How are you?" It  felt like a stupid question. He can always tell that Ignis was the same as always. Busy, stressed and overworked, especially with the recent events that's happened in the Kingdom. His night out with his friends was considered as a treat for himself. For surviving and doing something great at the same year. 

Ignis didn't immediately reply. Maybe he was thinking of a way to excuse himself without sounding rude. "I'm fine, a bit tired. Yourself?" 

This was pretty awkward, if Gladiolus were in his sane, right mind. But he was not, he was fueled by the toxic influence of alcohol, so his impulse is a bit heightened at the least. "I had a drink with my friends but now I'm headed home," he paused, an outrageous idea suddenly popping in his head. "Are you in a hurry? Do you mind if you walk me home just to make sure I don't trip and hit my face on the floor?"

The bespectacled man only looked at him, his face cemented with his poker face. But, from Gladiolus' personal experience when handling Ignis, he could tell that there was a sprinkle of humor dancing in those green eyes. And the snicker that slipped from his lips proved that he, indeed, found this all amusing. 

"You are Gladiolus Amicita. You can take care of yourself perfectly."

_ Well, there goes my luck.  _

He knew that there was a chance that this would happen, but there was no harm in trying to get Ignis into his home and ask him about what's going on with life, right? He was an ex that Gladio, despite the effort, could still not forget. He knew and he could still feel the warmth that this man in front of him ignited in his veins. The spark of flame was still there despite the calm state that Gladio managed. He wasn't able to obliterate the sunshine and passion that Ignis provided him, and if he was given the opportunity to say it out loud, he would most definitely love to.

Their posts were more important than their own feelings, their personal emotions set aside in order to function into the role that they were destined to have. And it was the right thing to do, with no questions further raised. Both have been able to fulfill their jobs very well, and that was all that mattered. Especially being in the public eye and directly in the sight of powerful people with high profiles in the society. 

But  that didn't mean that Gladio didn't miss him. 

He was with the other guy almost everyday when they were asked to do their respective roles with their future king, but that didn't mean he didn't miss the private time and hushed whispers of love that he shared with Ignis, the touch of fingers against his skin and the comfort that his presence provides for his own insecurity. 

He could go straight to sleep as soon as he reaches home before his mind delves into a pit of gloomy thoughts and what if's. 

"That's very flattering of you to say," Gladiolus managed, a tiny small crawling from his face. "Yeah. This is nothing compared to all the shitty state I went outside the city.”

"But perhaps I can take that offer, just to make sure that I don't harbor any guilt in case you find yourself in a state of misfortune."

Ignis had looked away, bringing a hand towards his face to adjust his glasses. Gladiolus knew that tick too well. It didn't happen very often, not when this was the man who was behind every successful planning that took place in the citadel, the man who manages to create a perfect detail in every little thing that he does. And this trait only grew throughout the past year that he did not share his personal space and thoughts with him. 

Gladiolus will not let this opportunity pass. He still had questions that he wanted to ask, but decided to better save them for later. Asking now without building a good rapport will definitely burn his chance of getting his answer. "Thank you, that really means a lot to me."

"You're welcome. And besides, I've heard that you've got a place for yourself. I wanted to know where it's located so I'd know where to fetch you in case of emergencies."

"Like?" Gladiolus couldn't help the grin that crept on his face. He tilted his head to the direction where he's headed as he started to walk, wordlessly asking for Ignis to follow him. 

"A confidential information and assignment that must be delivered in person."

Of course Gladiolus was only joking, but if Ignis was answering questions seriously, it could mean that he's avoiding being all too familiar and friendly with an ex whom he had spent a decent amount of months with. Maybe this was a warning that Ignis only sees this meeting on a professional level, and that the other man must not think of anything otherwise. 

Except that Gladiolus had other plans. 

"Fair enough. Anyway, I'm sorry if you had to take care of me. Didn't mean to ruin what you had in mind."

"It's alright. Noct has been scheduled to see the King earlier tonight so I don't have to worry about his meal."

"Yeah. I don't think they've been seeing each other a lot lately so Noct must be thrilled to finally see the king."

"Indeed."

The both have them bask on the silence that followed after such an acquaintant-level conversation. Gladiolus was fine walking on his own, and he kept a respectable distance between him and Ignis. The other man was looking at where he was going, probably memorizing the streets that they've passed. There was once an instance where Gladiolus swayed, and Ignis immediately held his arm, supporting him, asking if he was alright. The touch still brought little sparks in Gladiolus' veins, and he was sure he was sober. 

It also didn't take long for them to reach Gladiolus' place with Gladiolus fumbling for his keys before dropping them on the ground and Ignis asking if he could be of help. The house was decent and simple, for Gladiolus didn't really much need a lot of glamour in his life. And he didn't have to stay much in here since being the next king's Shield is never done. The eldest Amicitia was a bit nervous when he remembered that he left his jacket slung over the couch, and some dishes undone. Ignis didn't like things dirty, but he didn't really predicted that he would bump into him and accept his offer.

"Come in, make yourself at home. Would you like some coffee?" Gladiolus asked as he took of his coat, glancing at Ignis. 

"Coffee would be nice."

Gladiolus knew Ignis to the point that he know how he liked his coffee so it didn't take him much effort to brew one. Ignis was taking a good look at his place even though it wasn't really big and there aren't a lot of stuff for display. So when the coffee was ready to be poured, Ignis went on his way towards Gladiolus, sat one of the stools of his kitchen and watched the other man as he waited for his favorite beverage.

The raven-haired man didn't wanna read this action as anything else, but he couldn't help the emotion that was beginning to rouse from its sleep. It seemed like Ignis wanted to talk, but about what? Is it work-related or is it about the past?

"I hope I made your coffee right. Do you still prefer black and strong with one teaspoon of sugar?"

"Yes, thank you," Ignis replied, taking his mug with both hands from his host. The swift brush of skin against skin excited Gladiolus, and he prayed that he wasn't obvious as he sat down one chair apart to his guest. 

He should probably start talking now before Ignis decides to leave. "I know there really isn't much to see here, but we both know that I won't be here much."

"It's a nice place. And what you've thought of is quite practical. How's the neighborhood here?"

"Can't say yet. Haven't been here for a week," he snorted.

"I think you'll make friends here. I've read about this neighborhood and there hasn't been any report on thieves so far."

Gladiolus couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at that statement. How did he know?

"I've been in the next neighborhood for quite some time, at the coffee shop,” Ignis added, answering the unspoken question. “I was piqued with curiosity and I ended up reading upon articles and news about the place."

"Why am I surprised?" The raven-haired man chuckled. "How are you? How have you been lately?"

"I've been well. I haven't stressed with Noct and this day has been quite smooth," Ignis sipped his coffee before turning to look at him with eyes that looked interested. He looked even more handsome without his jacket, his physique almost screaming of marvelous work. "Yourself?"

"I'm good. Happy that I can do anything that I want now that I'm alone," Gladiolus smirked. "Can't always keep fooling around with the ladies at their house. Can't even risk taking them home, so this is nice for a change."

"Oh, I bet all of them would understand. Perhaps Iris would, too."

"She really is growing up, you know? I'm kind of worried when she encounters a man like me."

Ignis snorted softly at his statement. "Why ever do you worry? Would it not be better if you warn her soon before it happens? Or perhaps she has already kept in mind to watch out for men like you."

Gladiolus let out a sound of mock pain. "I'm hurt, what does that suppose to mean?"

"As I said, watch out for men who have qualities like you when it come to romance."

"Enlighten me," Gladiolus squirmed a bit in his seat. He was ready to listen whatever Ignis was about to say, but he can't deny the fact that he's a bit nervous. From shallow talk to deep, meaningful conversations in a span of a minute. "What are these traits?"

The bespectacled boy must have had the same thought as he. He was tapping his forefinger on his mug for a couple of times before opening his mouth, a small smile ghosting from his lips. "In general, you are cheerful, a good person and approachable. In terms of romance, you are fun and flirty." 

There was an edge in his Ignis' voice and Gladiolus can't help but address it. "But?"

The other only looked at him, as if trying to weigh out the situation and the words he was going to use. "You always like a fresh new start. Even with your relationships."

Gladiolus could taste the twinge of bitterness in the air. Not from Ignis' voice, but from the impact of his own mistake the day he ended things with Ignis. He didn't even give him an honest reason, but rather a shallow excuse to be free of a relationship. He couldn't find the courage to channel his emotions into words, how to say "I don't feel like you love me" in a way that won't come off as negative, because of course he didn't want to sound awful.

But if Gladiolus learned something from his action through time, it was that there was no way in hell you couldn't break someone's heart if you want to break-up. Not unless if the decision and feeling is mutual. 

"I do like fresh new starts," Gladiolus admitted, "but that doesn't mean I can't stay in a relationship."

The other didn't say a word after that. He continued to down his coffee, finishing his beverage before it got cold. Gladiolus had the impression that Ignis was waiting for him to say more. His words probably cut something in Ignis, or maybe this was all a part of his plan to squeeze a bit more of information out of him. If it was the latter, Gladiolus would jump into this boat. He was fueled with courage by the remnants of alcohol in his system, so tonight is probably the right time to admit everything to Ignis. 

"Ignis," Gladiolus started. He was afraid that if he didn't say more, he'd lose the chance to ever have this conversation with the blond. He will surely take his leave. "I think I owe you something."

"If this is about the past, then there’s no need. We must not dwell on what's finished, right?"

"Yeah, but this is important."

"Must it be said?"

"Yes, because it might change something."

The blond went silent. He was probably going to stand firmly in his belief that they shouldn’t roam back in the past anymore, but a sigh revealed that he was resigned to listening whatever his host will say. "Alright."

The fact that Ignis was finally lending his ear to this was enough to encourage Gladiolus more. He didn't know where to start but whatever is fine than nothing at all, isn't it? 

"You didn't deserve that bullshit I threw you. I was an ass, I admit. You were everything that I thought you were, and maybe even more. You're wonderful and you always did everything splendidly," he paused, trying to gauge at his ex's reaction. "You're still wonderful."

"But?" Maybe Ignis was helping him make this whole thing short. 

Gladiolus finished his own cup before continuing. "I felt like you didn't love me enough."

He thought about the things that made him feel like he wasn't doing a good job being this man's lover, but he only remembered that he felt like the other wasn't reciprocating his own affection the same way as he was. There were spontaneous and fun dates, sure, but he still felt like it lacked of something. The other man wasn't vocal, and he wasn’t very touchy either, not unless Gladiolus initiates. Sometimes, he felt like he was hanging out with a friend more than a lover. 

The young him thought that he was a bit unfair, and once, he was jealous of the attention Ignis was giving Noctis that he wasn't able to sense that Gladiolus wanted time to spend with him, too. The elder him now understood and accepted that he shouldn't feel like that, because given their status, Noctis will always, always come first. 

And so a reason of, “we shouldn't be in a relationship with each other, because it'll be harder for us to continue as time goes by," was formed.

He needed another drink, and he didn't want coffee. "Would you like another cup of coffee? I'm getting whiskey."

"Please," the answer came as a whisper. Ignis was only staring at his empty cup, his face passive. 

Gladiolus wordlessly took his mug and reached for his company's, pouring a second batch of freshly brewed coffee for his guest while he hunted down a glass to pour his liquor in. He sat on his stool again with a short glass, a bottle of water and whiskey in front of him. He could feel that Ignis was waiting for him to continue, and he did, after giving himself a shot of his alcohol.

"Sometimes I feel like you don't give as much as I give you," he continued, his voice husky.  "I always touched you first, say 'I love you' and 'I miss you.' The kind of care that you give to Noctis, you don't give to me, and I know, I know that I shouldn't say this, but this was what I've felt back then. I'm just putting out it out now."

"Why?" His question came out swift, but unhurried. 

"Why... what?"

"Why are you saying this now? What change do you want to make?"

"I was hoping there's a chance that I could get back together with you again," Gladiolus said these words slowly, in a low voice. He was still walking on thin ice here with Ignis.

The other scoffed softly, "Gladio, if you could have been honest with me from the start, told me what was wrong, we could have saved us the heartbreak."

"I was scared," was all that Gladiolus can say.

The elder Amicitia reached for his drink. He slowly poured himself another glass to keep himself busy in the storm of silence that lingered, already downing four glasses consecutively. He was about to drink his fifth one when Ignis spoke.

"I was, too." 

"What?"

"I couldn't bring myself to press you for more details with why were you ending things with me. I couldn't bring myself to fight for you at that time because I, too, was scared."

"Scared of what?" He pressed. This was a revelation that he was looking for.

"That I wasn't enough for you." This time, it was Gladiolus who used the silence to his benefit. The bespectacled man removed his glasses before pinching the bridge of his nose. He did that mostly when was stressed out with Noctis, so his gesture gave him the impression that he was experiencing a similar reaction. "Never mind that, we've already come to terms with this, did we not?"

Gladiolus took another swig of his alcohol. It looks like he was too late to bring the lost relationship back. "What are we to each other, Ignis?"

"We are coworkers, Gladiolus. Acquaintances, rather."

_ I guess it's better this way. _ "Then will you accompany me as an acquaintant as I finish my drink? I won't get another bottle. It kind of gets lonely when you move out from a house full of people.”

Ignis only glanced at him before sighing. His face spoke of resignation and that alone was enough for Gladiolus to smile. "Alright."

The both of them have talked about something else for a change. From the shallow talk of the weather, about Prompto and Noctis to literature and culture throughout the parts of Eos. Gladiolus has given Ignis a piece of his mind about cuisine, and Ignis gave his share of thought about the new bands that debuted this year. 

Their conversation was fun and Gladiolus was just glad that Ignis found comfort in his presence that night. Even though his head was spinning and his eyelids were drooping, Gladiolus continued to listen to everything that Ignis was saying. He couldn't help himself when he laid his head on the table then, facing Ignis and appreciating the emerald eyes boring into his amber ones. 

"Are you weary, Gladiolus?" Ignis asked, his arms resting on the table as he regarded his host.

"A bit," he murmured. He was tired and sleepy, the amount of alcohol finally kicking his energy away. 

"Come, I'll take you to your bedroom," Ignis offered as he stood, his hand coming down to Gladiolus' back in soothing circles. It was very comforting, and Gladiolus couldn't help but let out a low, husky snicker. "What is it?"

"Nothing," he managed to say. "Thanks."

Ignis was very careful and attentive when he helped Gladiolus to his room. The raven-haired man could hear soft footsteps pacing from room to room, probably looking for a washcloth and a bucket to use. Gladiolus managed to open his eyes after a few minutes, seeing that Ignis has indeed gotten him a bucket, a glass of water and some spirin. He saw the tall man returning from the bathroom with a wet towel in his hand, his sleeves pulled up to his elbows.

The bed dipped as the blond took a seat beside Gladiolus, gently wiping the big man’s face with a wet face towel. The prince's shield only watched his ex lover do his job, secretly missing the way he would touch Ignis' hand and kiss his temple. He missed the way the emerald eyes would look at him with so much attention and glee, missed the private smile that Ignis always reserved for him. 

And that was when Gladiolus reached for Ignis' hand, bringing it to his mouth for a soft kiss. "Iggy," he whispered. 

The fact that Ignis wasn't jerking his hand off of Gladiolus' hand was a good sign, right?

"What?"

"Tell me. What made you think that you weren't going to be enough for me?"

"Gladiolus--"

"I need to know," he insisted. "I wanna make things right for you. For us. I feel like there's a void inside me that hasn't been filled again when I left you."

Ignis regarded him for a while, his eyes lingering on his face. "You left me. I wasn't able to fill that void with anything."

"You have. You've filled it with something. It's not a hundred percent full, but only you managed to fill it with such warmth and love."

"Then why did you leave? Why weren't you content with the only thing I can give?"

"Because I wanted more," Gladiolus' fingers traced circles on Ignis' wrist. "I thought you didn't love me enough. It felt more like I was going out with a best friend more than a lover. You haven't really been vocal, Ignis. I don't know if I was doing the right thing or if you were only dating me because I confessed to you. I had a thought where you were only giving me a so-called fan-service."

"Gladiolus, no." Ignis took his hand and glanced away. He dropped the towel on the nightstand, heaving a sigh to compose himself. "Maybe that was what lacked in me. Being vocal. I felt the same way you felt about me, Gladiolus, I really did. And I thought I was showing it perfectly. I thought my actions were screaming how much you mean to me."

And perhaps it was always there. The remaining pieces to truly fill the void that Gladiolus was feeling in the pit of his heart. He couldn't help but feel guilty and mad at himself for not being straightforward with Ignis right from the start. He could have saved them the heartbreak and cold air that lingered between them. 

_ I'm such an idiot. _

"Iggy," he started again, coming to lay on his side to see Ignis' face. He made an effort to sit up, ready to pull the other man down if he jerks away from his touch again. "Hey, look at me."

The blond ran a hand through his hair before he begrudgingly did what Gladio asked him to, with an expression that mirrored his insecurity. 

"I'm sorry," Gladiolus shifted from his seat, trying to get closer to Ignis. "I'm really, really sorry. I should have been honest and frank with you. I really didn't mean to hurt you."

Ignis wasn't budging from his position. And from the situation that they have, the other looked like he was going to give him the silent treatment for the whole night.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I miss you a lot. I miss the way the sun shines on your beautiful face and eyes. It reminds me a lot why I strive hard just to maintain my position and relationship with you. I miss your smile and your voice very close to me. I miss the sunshine that you brought to my world."

His big hands were caressing the other's exposed arm then, thanking the Six and Shiva for the approval of his action. The inert man continued to feed him silence, but it was encouraging Gladio to continue because he wasn't storming away from him. Maybe he missed the way his skin felt against his own?

"I miss being able to relax and be myself whenever I'm with you. I feel secure and safe whenever you're near me. You keep me sane, keep me making want to improve. Iggy, I--"

And Gladiolus couldn't handle his stomach. He immediately paralleled himself from the bucket and threw up, coughing as he finished. 

The sweet thing that happened was that Ignis was there, his hand smoothing his back. He patted Gladiolus' mouth with the towel before offering him a glass of water. While Gladio was dealing with his misery, Ignis has already cleaned the bucket and towel before coming back to sit on Gladio's side. 

When the bigger man opened his eyes again, he saw that Ignis was a bit composed than his last expression. Gladiolus tried again. 

"Iggy."

"Hm?"

"I love you."

"You're drunk, Gladio."

"I'm drunk and I love you."

Ignis brought the freshly cleaned towel to the other’s face again, dabbing the cold cloth on his face as gently as before. His head was a bit closer to now, his body almost coming to a lean against the other's body. 

"I wanna start all over again. Or continue where we left. I just want to try again with you, Iggy."

"Hm."

"I want to be able to hold your hand again. Do you know how excited I am whenever you give me permission to hold your hand in public? Do you know how strong and firm your hand feels like? It makes me feel like I can take the world, like if I hand you the reins, my life would still be alright."

"Hm."

"I miss how you play with my hair, massage my scalp whenever we're alone together. Your hand and mouth do wonders, Iggy."

"Gladiolus."

"If I wasn't so drunk right now, I'd kiss you."

Ignis stopped his action at that, gazing at the half-asleep Gladiolus. "Will that silence you?"

Gladiolus mumbled something that even he doesn't know what. He wanted to say that he missed the way Ignis' lips felt, like a caressing a newborn baby's butt. So smooth and soft, heavenly to touch. He couldn't help but dream about it at night, can't help but imagine them right now as he pathetically let his eyelids drop.

And Ignis made his dream come true by pressing his lips against Gladiolus'. 

At that, the raven-haired man opened his eyes, convincing himself that his dream felt more real, and hoped that it did happen. And Ignis was only a few inches away from his face, his breath ghosting on Gladiolus' skin. 

"Iggy?"

"What is now, Gladio?"

That brought a smile to Gladiolus' lips. "You're calling me 'Gladio.'"

"I am."

"You're making me blush, Iggy."

"You wouldn't stop talking. You keep on saying things that you probably won't remember in the morning. You're giving me false hope here, and that's rude."

"I'm serious. I really want you back."

"Say that when you're sober. If you're only honest under the influence of alcohol, how can I trust you again?"

_ He's right _ . 

He missed these remarks and points that Ignis makes. It gives him the security that he's going in the right path in his life, makes him see different perspectives. And if he were to trust the memory that he has of Ignis, this kind of voice bends on the positive.

"Then stay. Stay so I can repeat all of these things to you as soon as we both wake up."

Ignis sat properly at that. He was facing the other way, like he was avoiding Gladiolus' gaze. "I'd rather you get some sleep, Gladio."

"If you stay, it means that you're ready to listen to me and there's hope of us to get back. If you go..."

Ignis turned to face him again with that passive expression of his. His eyes were saying something else, but Gladiolus couldn't figure out what. Then, Ignis shifted closely to Gladiolus' pillow, his hand soothing other man's dark locks, his nails gently scraping his scalp the same way as he does when they were still together. It was comforting, it was relaxing, and it dangerously lulled Gladiolus to sleep. 

The final words that Gladio told him, before he succumbed into the promise of sleep were "I miss you."

 

Ignis continued his action for a while, making sure that he heard Gladiolus' soft sighs and snores before he retrieved his hand. He wasn't quite sure if he regretted the kiss he gave Gladiolus, but it still brought sensations that Ignis never thought he would come to like. The feelings were still there, the stimulation still present. But the logic in all of this, the reality that was weighing above their heads was that Gladiolus was right. If they were to keep their roles as Sword and Shield of the future king, they would need to keep a safe distance from each other in order to perform perfectly. He was ready for that, ready to sacrifice whatever it needs to take for Noctis' sake. 

What he wasn't expecting, however, was the fact that his emotions were clouding his brain tonight. Emotionally and physically, he wanted Gladiolus again, wanted to give it another go. They were adults now, they could handle things better.

But what was better was their current relationship. It brought freedom to Ignis and a sense of responsibility that he had never felt before.

Now, the decision was up to him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I should have beefed this with more angst and feels here but the deadline killed all of it. I think this'll probably have a part two, if I had the time to finish what I started for day 3. Anyway, GladNis after a break-up, check!


End file.
